Episode 08

[Ashley Underwood]

Congratulations, you've made it to the Final 12, and the merge!

Tell me how you're feeling about making it this far, and what your plan is now that all of you are in one big tribe. How are you going to survive this next vote? How are you going to win the game? :)

[Jeff Probst]

I was saying this last time, but you just BARELY scraped through that round, or at least that's how you saw it. I personally liked seeing you scramble a bit and I think it showed real personality and strategic chops. Has that kind of awoken a new side of you? My fear was that you would go out of this game, not playing very hard and jsut simply trying to eek by.

[Denise]

Everything has just been BALLS WILD for the last couple days. After a fuckload of scrambling that seemed to go nowhere, lots of intense conversation with Jeff that just gave me a million more reasons to totally love and respect the man, and distraught resignation...I MADE THE MERGE!!!

Unbeknownst to him, Keith made his biggest move of the game by allowing me to survive. But really, who signs up and remains inactive for that long? Get outta here with that bullshit. The only way I would've been okay with that is if he'd been hilariously dragged to FTC, then showed back up and said "Yeah, great strategy, eh guys?" and won the game. BUT thankfully that won't be happening.

So while all of my prevote scrambling involved pleading with nuKirati and promising to stay loyal to them 5ever (and some light conspiring with Chris on the side), and a few of them acted somewhat supportive--plus Jeff--I am just extremely hard-pressed to believe that they would've chosen to keep me. There was very little talking and no solid reassuring, Jeff relayed that it was looking bleak for me...and then it's announced that Keith was out and everyone was suddenly so happy yay merge omg!!1 Right.

But nonetheless, as I'd been insisting all along, it is impossible to know who the hell is telling the truth from nuMadhesi, and to what extent. Since I just met Tina and Kimmi, we're not yet to that level of trading details, so this is all pointed at OG Kirati. Are you simply giving me enough insignificant truths to make your case seem plausible? Is everything being concocted behind closed doors and gradually fed to me in order to build trust? Or did you really have that much faith in our relationships that you're going all-in? Of course, all of these options are mediated by how strong they find their outlook to be. Honestly, it's not looking that good unless I join up and bring people along.

That's where everything gets tricky. It would be stupid to let everyone I was just with fall by the wayside, so I've been trying to maintain those conversations. Rich was away for a while and Debb was talking to me like normal for a bit, but Ramona and Hayden are barely giving me anything. Maybe I haven't done a fantastic job of convincing them I'm legit, but shouldn't they be trying harder than this?! Even if you're against someone, you can't have them believing that. So I ask them questions, all excited to be merged and bring people into the alliance, and they say "hmm idk everyone's cool, what are you thinking? who do you like? yeah merge wow haha." Okay, not that terrible, but you get the gist. Just not painting a picture that they trust in me whatsoever. If you do want to reel me in, let me see it! If you're against me, don't be so obvious--or do, actually, that's useful.

BUT the problem with all this is that I don't want to completely annihilate the rapport and whatever trust lies between me and Jeff. I genuinely like the dude, he tried to do me a solid, and I do mostly believe him. Maybe that's just me failing to read people over text again, but. What's unfathomably stupid of me is that I want to bring this brilliant dude into an alliance with me! Why?! I just can't make myself want to play with people I don't care for, and who show no regard for me in return. Same exact reason I want to return to old Kirati. Buuut it could perhaps work out in that Jeff'll clearly be a bigger threat than me, which could sneak me through to the endgame. Same goes for Chris and Angie, I think. They're great now, love 'em, but people would turn and they'd be the likely targets. So after carefully feeding to Jeff that old Kirati wants to join up with old Madhesi and take out the intimidating Rai, I'm hoping that he's legitimately interested. It's quite hard to play the game of giving info from "the enemy," making it seem like they're so silly and I'd never just abandon you but hey! what a neat idea--and then be able to properly discern the reply as either genuine or loaded with "haha, I've just pasted this PM to everyone else, you're dead."

Fuck, I know, this is so much rambling, but this is exactly what my brain is like every time I PM anyone. NO ONE IS TO BE TRUSTED

I should've just been voted out then I wouldn't have blank grad apps or develop stomach ulcers from anxiety...

[Denise]

[Questions, though I answered a couple in that wall of text. Thank you, Ash!!

you just BARELY scraped through that round

WAY TO RUB IT IN DAMN ]

How will I survive the vote? Well idk how I forgot to mention it in that other post, but I WON INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY, BITCHES!!! And thank god for it, because I would certainly not be feeling comfortable rn. Not that I am comfortable, per se, but let's just say I'm not waking up in the middle of the night. And with two other immunity winners, this doesn't seem to put a target on me. I'm not sure how I'll handle that in the future, if I'm even in the running to win again.

At this point, I think the strategy I've enumerated before still stands, however it's much more of a day-by-day basis atm. Once it calms down, it'd be lovely to have long-term plans, but that shit makes you complacent and unaware of what's happening right in front of you. Maybe I can just dream about two-day plans??? The overwhelming thing for me is still being in people's good graces, especially since reading text without accompanying tone is so fallible. Maybe they don't love me, maybe they're mad about a betrayal, but as long as I remain friendly no matter what I think that'd be an enormous asset at FTC (gotta knock on wood every time I mention it, istg).

So yeah, I absolutely think I'll be playing harder from here on out, but idk how much more of it will be visible? Hopefully it'll be apparent here in my confessional, but I don't want to lay all the inner workings out for anyone, since you never know who's wholly trustworthy. Now I'm constantly counting numbers, who's close with whom and thus might flip where, who thinks they're in a powerful/lowly position, who'd be willing to take out which ally when it comes time...

Is this what you wanted, Probst? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

[Ashley Underwood]

Your first reply read like you were torn up over a crush someone likes Jeff, hmm??? :P So your aim this round is to vote out an original Rai member? Do you have anyone particular in mind?

[Denise]

Lmao whoa there Ash, keep it in your pants. But honestly...

I promise I'll actually answer everything in the other thread! I just know it takes me forever to write a reply because it always ends up as a fucking novella, sigh.